1 Year Later

Last week was the "anniversary".  I hate that word--anniversary is a happy word.  Last week marked 365 days since...the last time we saw each other...the last time we spoke...the last day you shared this earth with us....

I wasn't sure what to expect that day. I didn't know who I'd want to share the day with, what I'd want to do. Then I realized, I knew I didn't want to "mark" that day. I don't want to, year after year, punctuate November with the pain I felt that day, that week, that month last year. It does a disservice to the pain I felt the 364 days of the year that followed. It implies that the day I learned you were taken from me was more painful than each day after.

I'd be lying if I said it hasn't gotten any easier.  But that doesn't make it easy. It's not true to say that the pain is not less stabbing that it was in the days and weeks and first months after you were gone. But it doesn't mean it's not there. 

For me, it's not just the "firsts"...first Christmas without you, first birthday, first "anniversary", because I realize with Will, those "firsts" are just going to keep coming. Each time he learns a new word, grows and inch, tells a joke, starts school, rides a bike, gets married...each of those will be lived with a piece of my heart broken because you're not there to share it.  I know that this pain is something I have to learn to live with and that means finding a place for it to stay. I have to learn what that pain is going to be for me: is it going to be anger and injustice or is it going to be memory and peace that you can see it all, and be part of it all, even though I can't see it.

I'm working hard to give that pain it's proper place. I'm starting to be able to share memories of you without dissolving into tears. I'm starting to hear your voice and smile and not just break down.  I'm starting to make decisions that I think will make you proud, and not be afraid to make them at all because I can't ask your opinion first....

One year later, I think I'm finding my way through the fog. It's still there, but I feel like I may have a lantern in hand...and I know exactly where the light is coming from.

I love you Dad. I miss you as much as ever.
Ok? Ok. Ok, bye.

Not So Happy Birthday...

Yesterday was your birthday. You would have been 50. I remember last year, when mom turned 50, and you came over and helped us celebrate--I remember thinking then how I'd have to rent a room to start planning your 50th birthday bash. I wondered who I could call on to help get the invites spread.  I knew there would be so many people who would want to toast you on this milestone.....To this day I am in disbelief that it's a milestone you didn't reach.

We all went to church and said a prayer in you memory. We chattered quietly over breakfast and missed you. We lit candles, Nani got flowers, we posted on Facebook how much love you and missed you still.

You were certainly remembered on your birthday this year. I wish I could say it was happy. It was not for me.  This was the first birthday that I didn't have you here to wish you a happiest of days.  I'll be glad when I stop having "first this" and "first that" without you.  I don't know if that will ever happen.  As the months tick by, I wonder when I'll start to feel some closure, some sanity in dealing with this void.

Right now, all I know for sure, is that a day doesn't pass that I don't think of you.  Every day, tears are shed because I can't talk to you, or see you just one more time.  Sometimes it feels as raw as if it's day one. Not day 301.  I love you Dad. I hope you're watching and I hope you're proud. I hope that in all this sadness, that somewhere, there is joy.

Rock Bottom

Dearest Dad,

I have to apologize to you....I have let myself, my life, my heart, my marriage, my job, I've let it all hit rock bottom. I've been scrambling to give it all the illusion of keeping it at least somewhat together, and clearly, it's gotten me nowhere.

I have to apologize, because I know this must be breaking your heart to watch.  I have to tell you how sorry I am that I let it all get this far and so out of control.

I won't bore you with the details, becuase I know you've seen it all--I just want to tell you how I've decided to fix it.  I feel like maybe if we'd have this talk when you were still with me, perhaps I wouldn't have as heavy of a heart as I do now, but I'm going to put it out there.

I was sending out emails today for our upcoming March of Dimes walk, and just so heartbroken that you won't be there, and my mind drifted to the time of being pregnant with Will.  It was a time that my whole world was crashing around me. I was more terrified and hopeless than I'd ever been before.  But when I look at what I did then, and how things turned out, I had to examine how I got from there to here.  I think you knew this then, and I think it touched your own heart, softened it and showed you true miracles, but I know you know this now. I didn't lean on you.  I didn't even lean on Jeff. I leaned on the only one who could get me out of the darkness, the only one who was in control, the one not only responsible for the final outcomes, but of my reaction to whatever that may have been.  I leaned on God.

I remember someone once said to me at that time that my emails that I was sending out were getting pretty "God is good" and maybe a little churchy.  Well, maybe that was true, but it was from my heart then, and the Lord lead me out of that despair.  He gave me strength and courage. And we both know that He saved Will.  No one can explain him other than a miracle--and I know you believe that too.

I'm telling you now, and I'm telling anyone reading this, and anyone who might wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life, but it's about to get a whole-lotta-Jesus up in here.  The one time in my life that I truly went from the darkest deepest despair to a place of light, healing and praise, is the one time I put my trust so fully in His plan.  I have to do that now, and I hope that you, watching over me will help me on this journey.  Watch over me Dad.  I will pray each day that you only see beauty and joy and love not only where you are, resting in His arms, after a lifetime of struggle, but watching over my life, and what I truly believe God will bring me.  He will lead me out of this horrible pit I've been living in the last 5 months, and I pray for your support and guidance from above.

I love you with all my heart Dad, there is not a day that will go by that I won't miss your presence.
I ask God now to give me some rest from this pain.  Even if it's just an hour of good sleep.  I trust that this is His plan for me. I trust that this will truly be a time of one set of footprints and that now He will carry me.

I can't wait to talk with you more about this journey Dad, and until our souls reunite one day, I love you, I love you, I love you.  Ok, ok. bye.

Still Missing You...

I was flipping through our video camera today, and there were a few that you were in...one was just your voice...hearng your speaking voice is so hard for me....I miss talking to you so much...

I feel like I just still can not believe this is true....I hate not sharing each new thing with you.

I look at Will, how much he's grown and changed.  How much he TALKS.  You'd think he was hilarious.
I know how proud you would be of him. He's so amazing--smart and funny and adventerous.  He's polite and he has a true sense of humour.

There's just nothing else to say except that I just miss you so much.
I love you. Ok. Ok Bye.

More from Will...

Every time I open my computer Will has been asking to "see more Papa".  I flip through the album I have put together and he just says "more Papa, more Papa".  "Der he ISSS!" "Der he ISSS!"
He told me he misses you. "Where is he? I miss him. I give him hug! Kiss too! Mm hm.".

I'm actually kind of surprised how much he remembers you, and talks about you.  I was so worried he'd never remember you, but even at how young he is, and almost 4 months later he still asks about you, asks to see you, points you out in pictures.  It's so bittersweet.

He's doing so well, and grown and changed so much that it's unbearable for me that I can't share it with you. I try to take comfort in knowing that you see all of it now, but selfishly, it's just not the same.

I feel like the raw edge of pain is starting to dull a little--but some days I'm not so sure.
I'm sure it appears that I'm healing--maybe I am a little, but I feel so drastically changed that I don't know if true healing will ever take place. I feel like when a cannon ball goes through a cartoon character (I know you're loving this analogy) and there's a big window-like hole through the middle of their stomach.  That's how I feel.  It's such a vivid hole that it's almost tangible.

I'm curious to see where the summer is going to take me emotionally--I know Jackie and I are already letting our thoughts drift to Summerfest and State Fair...we just don't know what we'll do. Even the warm weather, which my body is excited for, makes my heart hurt.  I know how much you hated the winter.

Every day since you've been gone, even on the darkest dreariest days, there has been some point where I've looked up at the sky and there's at least one sliver of sunshine. On my saddest days the moon has been so bright and I've seen more full moons in the last 4 months (or almost full, whatever, technicallity) than I've seen in my life. The radio seems to have a new dj. Song that I love, and never hear, are all the sudden easy  to find. I  refuse to beleive this is happenstance. Or that I'm looking for it.  I'm just sayin'.

I miss you so much.  Still fighting the urge to call almost daily.
I love you Dad. So much.
Ok. Ok. Bye.

In Da Moooonnn....

Yesterday I told Will that Jackie was going to come and visit him this weekend. He smiled, nodded and said "Papa too!".  When I told him that you couldn't come, and I asked him if he remembered where you were, he said, "Yeah, mmm hmm, up in da mooonn! Up high! Reach! Reach! Uhh! Uhhh!".

I don't know how I'm going to handle this--seeing him see her--I know he'll be confused, wondering why you're not there.  I think I will be too.

Sometimes I still wonder how this can possibly be real--and when I'll wake up from this nightmare.

I wonder if this level of grief is normal from a daughter to a father.
I miss our talks so much.
I miss wondering how much brain damage I'm getting as the heat from my phone is burning my ear.
I miss your jokes and your laugh--I used to feel so proud of myself if I could make you laugh.
I miss how you'd say, "oh my god, that's hysterical"....
I even miss how you'd describe certain foods as the kind that made you have to poop "like....NOW".

How could we have lost such an original.
Your place in my life, and in my heart is so far beyond replaceable.
I continue to miss you and love you more than ever.
I love you. Ok. Ok, bye.

It Bears Repeating...

I said it before, but I think I need to remind myself...I can feel the days slipping by and not remembering my promises to you. I think I need to do some editing though:

I will try to remember that for you, there was no 2010 on this earth, and will live it for you.

I will try not to not live with anger or hold grudges.
I will try not to be afraid to do new things.
I will try to live my dreams and succeed.
I will cherish the moments, memories, friendships and love.
I will worry less and love more.

Ok there. That's better.

I WILL make you proud. I WILL remember you're watching over me. I WILL live remembering the things you hoped and dreamed for me, for Will, and for yourself.

I miss you more each day.
But I'm getting stronger--I'm trying to learn to redirect the pain into making something positive to make you proud.

I love you. Ok? Ok. Bye.

Ebb and Flow...Pain and Quiet...Rah Rah Wahh...

So I don't cry all day now. I started sleeping at least parts of the night. I can actually make it through a load of dishes or a drive to work without convulsing with sobs. Wow. Does that mean I'm dealing?  I don't know...it doesn't feel like it.

I know that I miss you more and more every day.  I know that my relationships with others are straining because they think I'm doing better, time is passing, I'm healing and I get mad because I know it isn't true. I don't even want to stop missing you more. Only if the alternative is that you're here.  If it remains that you're gone, how can I do anything but miss you more?

I told Jackie tonight that I'm a shell of the person I was 3 months ago.  You were my self confidence. You made me feel like I was something special. Without you as my constant cheerleader, I feel so lost.  I feel...less than ordinary...I feel...like I'm just a mess. And not just because I'm a sad mess...because I don't have the alternative feedback anymore, all I see is the bad.  The unorganized worker, the mom who can't get it together, the extra 30 pounds of post-baby weight. I feel nothing good about myself.

I'm looking ahead to all the things that we shared together, and I don't know how I can face it. How can I go to State Fair--I can't cry through Honey Ice Cream and Bacon on a Stick. How can I go to Summerfest, knowing you're not on the bill?  Nani wanted us to take Will on a train ride--how I can do it without you.

Every day, every action, everything, is accented  in pain.  Some things are all pain, some things are just part pain, but it's there, all day.

I'm so lost. I'm so lonely. I just need a goddamn hug.
I love you so much. Without you, I'm just a shell.
I'll keep hugging Will for you. He misses you. He says "Where'd Papa go?".  And I say "Where'd I tell you Papa is?" He says "Papa up in da moooon!" (insert rocket noise). I can't believe he'll grow up without remembering those hugs.
I love you. Ok. Ok. Bye.

It just never ends...

This pain--this horrible f-ing pain....
It goes away when I'm busy or distracted--rather, I should say it's hidden.  Then it jumps out of the bushes like a freakin' attacker the moment my mind is quiet.  I hate doing the dishes, driving in the car (especially alone), laying awake in bed.  There is NO relaxing time for me. If I don't stay VERY busy, my mind drifts to you and it hurts more than I think I can take anymore....

I stay so busy it's like I'm on f-ing speed.  Seriously, listen to all I got accomplished on Thursday--I went to work, ran some errands on the way home, got home and cleaned the downstairs, put together a diaper cake, sewed 2 crayon rolls and made a tutu, made a FUCKING lasagna, had the neighbor over for dinner, gave Will a bath and then updated my FB page AND my blogs with craft pics.  When I was later telling somone about my busy night, then of course I thought of you and how I wanted to tell you about my busy night.  The only reason I had the busy night was to distract me from the horrible pain of missing YOU in the first place!! AHHH!! Seriously--what I am going to do.

Oh, and if that doesn't sound busy enough, I'm still trying to roll with Pampered Chef, and now I'm really getting started selling my crafty stuff, oh, and Morgan said Dan would teach me to play the guitar (which my  first session will probably be learning to hold the pink bitch without sobbing uncontrollably, right?).

It's so difficult because all the things I do are all the things I loved to tell you about and you'd pump up my ego by being so proud. Without your support I feel so empty with everything....like, it doesn't matter who even notices, because your pride is always what drove me...

Even with Will--we had our NICU follow up, and his cognitive and language skills are at at 3 year old level!! I can't think of anyone who would love to hear that more than you.  Even mom--I mean, she's of course proud and excited, but I'd probably have to stop you from taking out a billboard or something.

Here's the thing---I keep feeling like there will come a time when this pain ends...but I am delerious and I think I feel like it's because we'll be able to talk again---like I'm waiting for you to return from a long trip or something....and then I take a minute and wrap my head around the fact that that could be 50 years from now that we'll talk again, and I want to puke all over myself...

I know this all is all selfish...every now and again I stop and think about how this is so much better for you. With the exception of being away from us who you loved so much, I know no there's no struggling, and  no worrying.  There's no anger or stress. There's no pain or exhaustion.  Every once in awhile I feel excited for you--like yesterday, I thought, wow, you're spending Elvis' birthday WITH Elvis (well, maybe, if he's up there :)).  I think, you and Neil probably started a band--and because you can, John Lennon and Jimi Hendrix are your back up singers....I know it seems silly and weird, but it's that kind of crazy shit that helps me.

I thought of something else today--if Will, our amazing little miracle, had been born on time, you would not have been at his 2nd birthday party, and that gives me some hope that everything really does happen for a reason.  I'm not sure what the reason is that you've been taken from me--I hope I don't have to the live the rest of my life wondering what it is...but I have to believe there is one.

Ok, I can hardly see straight right now, so it's time to pound some coffee and start distracting myself.
I love you so much. I miss you more than I can stand.
I'll talk to you soon, and give Will a huge hug and kiss for you today.
Ok? Ok, ok bye.

New Year, New Promises

I want to start the new year with a new promise to you, Dad. I can't believe I'm going to start a new year and new decade without you...it still just hasn't sunk in I don't think...but anyway, I want to promise to you that I will try hard to live this year to the fullest. I will try to remember that for you, there was no 2010 on this earth, and will live it for you.

I will try not to live with anger or hold grudges.
I will try not to be afraid to do new things.
I will try to live my dreams and succeed.
I will cherish the moments, memories, friendships and love.
I will worry less and love more.

I'll continue to make promises to you--and tell you about my progress in keeping them. ;)

I love you so much--each day it even seems more.
We all miss you so much, but we know you're with us every day. (I'm saying a little prayer that you'll be with Dana on their trip to Nashville!!)

I promise to give Will and big hug and kiss for you every single day.
Talk soon. Ok, ok bye.