This pain--this horrible f-ing pain....
It goes away when I'm busy or distracted--rather, I should say it's hidden. Then it jumps out of the bushes like a freakin' attacker the moment my mind is quiet. I hate doing the dishes, driving in the car (especially alone), laying awake in bed. There is NO relaxing time for me. If I don't stay VERY busy, my mind drifts to you and it hurts more than I think I can take anymore....
I stay so busy it's like I'm on f-ing speed. Seriously, listen to all I got accomplished on Thursday--I went to work, ran some errands on the way home, got home and cleaned the downstairs, put together a diaper cake, sewed 2 crayon rolls and made a tutu, made a FUCKING lasagna, had the neighbor over for dinner, gave Will a bath and then updated my FB page AND my blogs with craft pics. When I was later telling somone about my busy night, then of course I thought of you and how I wanted to tell you about my busy night. The only reason I had the busy night was to distract me from the horrible pain of missing YOU in the first place!! AHHH!! Seriously--what I am going to do.
Oh, and if that doesn't sound busy enough, I'm still trying to roll with Pampered Chef, and now I'm really getting started selling my crafty stuff, oh, and Morgan said Dan would teach me to play the guitar (which my first session will probably be learning to hold the pink bitch without sobbing uncontrollably, right?).
It's so difficult because all the things I do are all the things I loved to tell you about and you'd pump up my ego by being so proud. Without your support I feel so empty with everything....like, it doesn't matter who even notices, because your pride is always what drove me...
Even with Will--we had our NICU follow up, and his cognitive and language skills are at at 3 year old level!! I can't think of anyone who would love to hear that more than you. Even mom--I mean, she's of course proud and excited, but I'd probably have to stop you from taking out a billboard or something.
Here's the thing---I keep feeling like there will come a time when this pain ends...but I am delerious and I think I feel like it's because we'll be able to talk again---like I'm waiting for you to return from a long trip or something....and then I take a minute and wrap my head around the fact that that could be 50 years from now that we'll talk again, and I want to puke all over myself...
I know this all is all selfish...every now and again I stop and think about how this is so much better for you. With the exception of being away from us who you loved so much, I know no there's no struggling, and no worrying. There's no anger or stress. There's no pain or exhaustion. Every once in awhile I feel excited for you--like yesterday, I thought, wow, you're spending Elvis' birthday WITH Elvis (well, maybe, if he's up there :)). I think, you and Neil probably started a band--and because you can, John Lennon and Jimi Hendrix are your back up singers....I know it seems silly and weird, but it's that kind of crazy shit that helps me.
I thought of something else today--if Will, our amazing little miracle, had been born on time, you would not have been at his 2nd birthday party, and that gives me some hope that everything really does happen for a reason. I'm not sure what the reason is that you've been taken from me--I hope I don't have to the live the rest of my life wondering what it is...but I have to believe there is one.
Ok, I can hardly see straight right now, so it's time to pound some coffee and start distracting myself.
I love you so much. I miss you more than I can stand.
I'll talk to you soon, and give Will a huge hug and kiss for you today.
Ok? Ok, ok bye.
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1 comment:
I can relate to all that you have said.. I too feel the same way.. Everytime I think I am getting better I feel bad for feeling better. There is not one thing in my life that is the same or ever will be.. I find myself thinking about him all the time now. Things remind me of him that never did before. I can't focus. I feel deep, dark and empty. I too feel that I have been selfish by wanting him to be here. But, I can't help it. His pain and suffering is now over and he wasn't feeling as well anymore and was growing tired of all of the medications and doctors visits..We used to talk about the possibility of his passing. I always tried to preach about taking care of himself. Pushed the yearly prostate checks! lol You KNOW he never had one! Told me if I was going to push it I should do it myself.. lol I miss that smile and sense of humor so fucking much.. He would be unhappy if he knew that we were both falling apart like this. Especially you! Sometimes that's all that holds me together... Love you Tarisa. Hang in there..
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