Ebb and Flow...Pain and Quiet...Rah Rah Wahh...

So I don't cry all day now. I started sleeping at least parts of the night. I can actually make it through a load of dishes or a drive to work without convulsing with sobs. Wow. Does that mean I'm dealing?  I don't know...it doesn't feel like it.

I know that I miss you more and more every day.  I know that my relationships with others are straining because they think I'm doing better, time is passing, I'm healing and I get mad because I know it isn't true. I don't even want to stop missing you more. Only if the alternative is that you're here.  If it remains that you're gone, how can I do anything but miss you more?

I told Jackie tonight that I'm a shell of the person I was 3 months ago.  You were my self confidence. You made me feel like I was something special. Without you as my constant cheerleader, I feel so lost.  I feel...less than ordinary...I feel...like I'm just a mess. And not just because I'm a sad mess...because I don't have the alternative feedback anymore, all I see is the bad.  The unorganized worker, the mom who can't get it together, the extra 30 pounds of post-baby weight. I feel nothing good about myself.

I'm looking ahead to all the things that we shared together, and I don't know how I can face it. How can I go to State Fair--I can't cry through Honey Ice Cream and Bacon on a Stick. How can I go to Summerfest, knowing you're not on the bill?  Nani wanted us to take Will on a train ride--how I can do it without you.

Every day, every action, everything, is accented  in pain.  Some things are all pain, some things are just part pain, but it's there, all day.

I'm so lost. I'm so lonely. I just need a goddamn hug.
I love you so much. Without you, I'm just a shell.
I'll keep hugging Will for you. He misses you. He says "Where'd Papa go?".  And I say "Where'd I tell you Papa is?" He says "Papa up in da moooon!" (insert rocket noise). I can't believe he'll grow up without remembering those hugs.
I love you. Ok. Ok. Bye.