He told me he misses you. "Where is he? I miss him. I give him hug! Kiss too! Mm hm.".
I'm actually kind of surprised how much he remembers you, and talks about you. I was so worried he'd never remember you, but even at how young he is, and almost 4 months later he still asks about you, asks to see you, points you out in pictures. It's so bittersweet.
He's doing so well, and grown and changed so much that it's unbearable for me that I can't share it with you. I try to take comfort in knowing that you see all of it now, but selfishly, it's just not the same.
I feel like the raw edge of pain is starting to dull a little--but some days I'm not so sure.
I'm sure it appears that I'm healing--maybe I am a little, but I feel so drastically changed that I don't know if true healing will ever take place. I feel like when a cannon ball goes through a cartoon character (I know you're loving this analogy) and there's a big window-like hole through the middle of their stomach. That's how I feel. It's such a vivid hole that it's almost tangible.
I'm curious to see where the summer is going to take me emotionally--I know Jackie and I are already letting our thoughts drift to Summerfest and State Fair...we just don't know what we'll do. Even the warm weather, which my body is excited for, makes my heart hurt. I know how much you hated the winter.
Every day since you've been gone, even on the darkest dreariest days, there has been some point where I've looked up at the sky and there's at least one sliver of sunshine. On my saddest days the moon has been so bright and I've seen more full moons in the last 4 months (or almost full, whatever, technicallity) than I've seen in my life. The radio seems to have a new dj. Song that I love, and never hear, are all the sudden easy to find. I refuse to beleive this is happenstance. Or that I'm looking for it. I'm just sayin'.
I miss you so much. Still fighting the urge to call almost daily.
I love you Dad. So much.
Ok. Ok. Bye.
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