Rock Bottom

Dearest Dad,

I have to apologize to you....I have let myself, my life, my heart, my marriage, my job, I've let it all hit rock bottom. I've been scrambling to give it all the illusion of keeping it at least somewhat together, and clearly, it's gotten me nowhere.

I have to apologize, because I know this must be breaking your heart to watch.  I have to tell you how sorry I am that I let it all get this far and so out of control.

I won't bore you with the details, becuase I know you've seen it all--I just want to tell you how I've decided to fix it.  I feel like maybe if we'd have this talk when you were still with me, perhaps I wouldn't have as heavy of a heart as I do now, but I'm going to put it out there.

I was sending out emails today for our upcoming March of Dimes walk, and just so heartbroken that you won't be there, and my mind drifted to the time of being pregnant with Will.  It was a time that my whole world was crashing around me. I was more terrified and hopeless than I'd ever been before.  But when I look at what I did then, and how things turned out, I had to examine how I got from there to here.  I think you knew this then, and I think it touched your own heart, softened it and showed you true miracles, but I know you know this now. I didn't lean on you.  I didn't even lean on Jeff. I leaned on the only one who could get me out of the darkness, the only one who was in control, the one not only responsible for the final outcomes, but of my reaction to whatever that may have been.  I leaned on God.

I remember someone once said to me at that time that my emails that I was sending out were getting pretty "God is good" and maybe a little churchy.  Well, maybe that was true, but it was from my heart then, and the Lord lead me out of that despair.  He gave me strength and courage. And we both know that He saved Will.  No one can explain him other than a miracle--and I know you believe that too.

I'm telling you now, and I'm telling anyone reading this, and anyone who might wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life, but it's about to get a whole-lotta-Jesus up in here.  The one time in my life that I truly went from the darkest deepest despair to a place of light, healing and praise, is the one time I put my trust so fully in His plan.  I have to do that now, and I hope that you, watching over me will help me on this journey.  Watch over me Dad.  I will pray each day that you only see beauty and joy and love not only where you are, resting in His arms, after a lifetime of struggle, but watching over my life, and what I truly believe God will bring me.  He will lead me out of this horrible pit I've been living in the last 5 months, and I pray for your support and guidance from above.

I love you with all my heart Dad, there is not a day that will go by that I won't miss your presence.
I ask God now to give me some rest from this pain.  Even if it's just an hour of good sleep.  I trust that this is His plan for me. I trust that this will truly be a time of one set of footprints and that now He will carry me.

I can't wait to talk with you more about this journey Dad, and until our souls reunite one day, I love you, I love you, I love you.  Ok, ok. bye.