Not So Happy Birthday...

Yesterday was your birthday. You would have been 50. I remember last year, when mom turned 50, and you came over and helped us celebrate--I remember thinking then how I'd have to rent a room to start planning your 50th birthday bash. I wondered who I could call on to help get the invites spread.  I knew there would be so many people who would want to toast you on this milestone.....To this day I am in disbelief that it's a milestone you didn't reach.

We all went to church and said a prayer in you memory. We chattered quietly over breakfast and missed you. We lit candles, Nani got flowers, we posted on Facebook how much love you and missed you still.

You were certainly remembered on your birthday this year. I wish I could say it was happy. It was not for me.  This was the first birthday that I didn't have you here to wish you a happiest of days.  I'll be glad when I stop having "first this" and "first that" without you.  I don't know if that will ever happen.  As the months tick by, I wonder when I'll start to feel some closure, some sanity in dealing with this void.

Right now, all I know for sure, is that a day doesn't pass that I don't think of you.  Every day, tears are shed because I can't talk to you, or see you just one more time.  Sometimes it feels as raw as if it's day one. Not day 301.  I love you Dad. I hope you're watching and I hope you're proud. I hope that in all this sadness, that somewhere, there is joy.