What A Ride...

I was trying to be positive today and thinking of all the awesome things you accomplished in your life, and wow, the list was long...

Survived being hit by a semi--while riding your BIKE

Lived a long, healthy live with Type 1 Diabetes

Drove across the country
Rode your bike along the Grand Canyon

Learned to play the drums, guitar and sing without a single lesson

Played in tons of bands

Had your music played on the radio

Went on tour

Played Summerfest for 6 (?) years

Put out multiple cds

Became a (GREAT) Dad

Owned two coffee shops

Owned multiple painting businesses

Ate your way across the Wisconsin State Fair for 45+ consecutive years

Quit smoking for 20 years (so you started up again, big deal)

Played in a church band

Got a zillion tattoos (but not until you were 40)

Wrote for the Shepherd Express

Wrote for Maximum Ink

Taught me to drive stick-shift in one afternoon (without losing your patience)

Looked so young your daughters' highschool friends often mistook you for their boyfriend (gross)

Became close personal friends with 10,000+ Milwaukeeans

Walked me down the aisle at my wedding

Wrote an original song and performed it at my wedding

Met Jessica's future husband and saw them get engaged
Saw the first black president--and loved every second of it

Became an (AWESOME) Grandpa...

Became my best friend...

Obviously, there's so much more. I promise to keep these and more memories of you alive. I love you so much. I know I'll never stop missing you--I just can't wait until there's more joy and remembrance than pain with the memories.

I'll talk to you soon and give that sweet boy a big kiss for you.

Ok? Ok, ok bye.

Mama ok? Mama ok?

That's what Will wanted to know today. I was looking at pictures (aren't you shocked) and was uploading that one of Jeff and Will that you said you loved so much. I decided to frame it and give it to Jeff for Christmas...just like you said you were going to do. I'll tell him how much you loved it and what a great dad you thought he was....

Anyway, so there I was, flipping through pics on the computer. Will wanted to see too. He kept saying, "More Papa" and "More Gah-kie" (Jackie). I just couldn't stop the tears today. He'd turn and stare at me-"Mama ok? Mama ok?" he'd say. All I could think is how you'd get a kick out of how he was doing that, and how much I just want to FREAKIN call you and tell you, and then I'd cry harder.

People try so hard to offer comfort. I wish I could just tell them not to waste their breath. It's just that NOTHING anyone says or does makes me feel even remotely better. Nothing really does. The closest is when I'm doing something that connect me to you--listening to music, being with your family, talking with your friends. I thought it was weird how good I felt at the Barney Christmas--it was because I was surrounded by people who felt like shit too--and for the same reason.

I keep trying to be ok. I know you want me to be. I know whatever hurt I've ever felt in my life you felt it for me tenfold. The only shoulder I want to cry on is yours. I'll try to be brave, but until I can do that again, I don't know if Mama will ever be totally ok.

Big hugs for little man for you. He misses you. He loves you so much, and so do I. Always.

Ok, ok. bye.

In Memory Of...

A little tribute video, with some awesome last songs:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IFuUcqHV4gE

The Bargaining Stage...?

I know you don't want to hear this, but I'm hurting so, so, so freakin' badly right now. I know you could never handle it when I was hurting. I feel like I'm going to lose my mind. Every day is worse than the last--how is that possible? I thought I already lived the worst days of my life.

Every day that I can't talk to you, I want to rip my heart out. I. can't. take. this!

I don't even know who to talk to--I feel like people are thinking I should be getting better, this should be getting easier--but as our last conversation slips farther and farther away, the more I feel like I need to immerse myself in everything that you were. I'm stalking your friends. I've listened to your music practically exclusively. I'm talking about you or TO you at most times of the day. And when I'm not talking about you--like when I'm with those who are probably thinking I should be on the path to healing--all I'm doing is biting my tongue so that I DON'T talk about you.

Tell me what to do Dad--please--please--just tell me and I'll listen.
I love you. This is horrible. Please talk to me.
Ok? Ok, Ok Bye.

A Rockin' Tribute...

I feel like I want to say "I wish you could've been there," but I KNOW that you WERE there. Your presence was totally undeniable.

I couldn't believe the turnout (although I would have preferred it more wall-to-wall) there was just every great person from your past--bandmate and friend. Every set was complete except for your open spot. Which was the most beautiful and saddest thing I've ever seen. When they set up your pink guitar, I lost it. I still can't believe I'll never see you play it again. Guido's was so awesome, I think they actually piped in tracks of you drumming. I hope that you don't mind, I told Johnny that I know you have nothing but love and forgiveness now--I could tell how troubled he was, and I know you'd want him to have some peace.

Justin played with the Bugs (or was it the Buggs? I don't remember). I was so proud of him. I know you were so proud of him.


It was awesome to see Steve, Bruce and Stevie together. I still wish I would have been allowed to come to a Brat Jam.


I had really great talks with EVERYone. I had long talks with Dan and Anita, which brought us all to sobs...I had a great talk with Lori and a few with Mike. I had many great talks with Morgan--I can't believe I've never met her before--I feel like we would have been great friends from the start--I hope we can become great friends.

I decided (at Morgan's awesome prompting) to get behind a mic at the end of the night. Thankfully I let Morgan take the lead...but it was still fun. It was nice to feel like I was part of your world for a minute.

Now that it's over...I don't know what comes next. Everything is done...what will keep us all going and moving forward...?

I hate to admit that I needed to know that all of those people hurting as much as I am, weeks later I need to know that others haven't yet dried their tears. I hope you know how much you're missed. How much you're loved. How we can never, ever forget you.

We love you so much. I love you so, so much. I'll never stop missing you.
I'll give the little man a big kiss for you.
I'll talk to you soon. Ok, ok bye.

Looking Out For Me...?

So it's been...ya know...difficult around here. I've had to put a few people "in their place". And a few have pushed back.

You know I'm having a bit of a...shall we say...home-life "situation". I need you Dad. Now that I don't have you to turn to, I don't know what to do. I don't know who to talk to or what to think. I need you to tell me if I'm crazy or overreacting. Let's be serious, I need YOU to tell me I'm RIGHT.

I feel like I'm constantly searching for signs. Looking for you in everything. I've never had someone watching over me before and I feel like I need to lose myself in it to get through.

I still can't believe how much I'm reaching for my phone to call you or text you. Almost every single time I get in the car. I've never needed to talk to some one I couldn't talk to before, and I feel like I'm tongue-tied.

I need you to find a way to talk back Dad....you've got a direct line, and I promise, I'm listening....

I miss you. I love you. I'll give your little buddy-boy a kiss for you.
Talk to you soon. Ok. Ok, bye.

Favortie Pic of the Day

I LOVE this picture. I'm guessing Jackie took it with her slick camera. I can't believe I hadn't seen it before. I don't know if I love or hate that you have the Clay Aiken tshirt on. It cracks me up, but most people don't realize it's a joke. I do love that shirt though because it reminds me of the first time you met Will. You wore it to the NICU, and it wasn't till your way out that I even noticed you had it on. How funny.

Another hard day today--more cleaning out your place. Your clothes smell like you. The other day they smelled a little too much like cigs but somehow your room has aired out and they smell like you. You've got to be kidding us with the inches of dust though Dad! I told Jess that if I'd known the dust was that thick there I would have offered to come by and clean once a month! Oh well.

Miss you. Love you so much.
I'll give your buddy a hug and kiss for you.
Talk soon. Ok, ok bye.

Being Thankfulish

Hi Dad,

I've been trying so hard to remember to be Thankful this weekend. The day was fine--we haven't done a Turkey Day together for awhile, so that part was fine. It was the beginning of the day and the end of the day....the drive to mom's and then home. It was that 5 minutes that I would have called you to wish you a Happy Thanksgiving and you would have told me you'd be enjoying the day just as you liked it--by yourself with your NuWave oven turkey watching football in your underware. Go figure, the Pack pulled one off for you (not that you cared this year--and I haven't checked in on the Vikes).

I think some people are starting to worry about me. I spend my time with other people pretty much talking non-stop about you. I don't quite know how that seems odd to people--I always talk non-stop. Some people think I haven't accepted that you're gone. Maybe they're right. I'm not sure if I'll ever accept it. I'll live with it, but acceptance is probably decades away.

I know I'm having a hard time because I keep wanting to call or text you. I grab for the phone a lot before I remember....weird hey? I already have a few dozen stories I would have told you or questions I wanted to ask. I wanted to tell you about the Christmas presents I got for Will today, and how no one got trampled at Walmart. I wanted to tell you that how I found some Buggs stickers and an old cd (that you claimed you were all out of). I wanted to ask you if Teri got botox. I wanted to tell you that Luke and Jamis came to your funeral--how "duh" is that, that I wanted to tell you who came to your funeral. I wanted to tell you that I met Nuna's dad today, he was really nice and I wanted to ask you what Nuna does for a living (I'm guessing he's not in sales....) :) I wanted to tell you I'm going to get a tattoo, but if you were still here I probably wouldn't be getting it so telling you would be unnecessary

So I'm trying to be Thankful. For all the memories we shared and many years of fun and friendship. For the holidays you did spend with Will. For all the friends and family that are helping me through this--I know you're looking down on us and are grateful for them.

I feel like you've been spending your nights and mornings at Will's bedside...he's been sleeping so well and so LATE! I feel like you must be hushing him back to sleep when he starts flopping around at those ungodly hours and giving his mama a little more rest.

Teri Lynn asked me today if I've had any dreams where we're talking....I told her I haven't but I would love to. I'll be looking for a little afterhours heart-to-heart Dad. I'm listening--ok?

I'll talk to you soon. Time to stop this kid from watching ANOTHER episode of Calliou. Aren't you glad you got to experience that?? :) I love you so much, and missing you as much as ever.

I'll give the little man a big smooch for you.
Love you. Ok. Ok, bye.

Favorite Pic of the Day

Had to throw a bunch of pics together at the last minute for a little slideshow for your memorial service. I'm guessing you'll understand why I'm not my usual "organized" self for a big event. Dana actually found this one on your computer. I'll never understand how you became such a great dad at such a young age....I guess it was just love at first sight huh....? Me too.

I love you so much Dad.

It hurts so much I'm ready to sell my heart on the black market.

I'll give your buddy a kiss for you.

Ok. Ok, bye.

Getting Through It...

Dear Dad,

So we're all just struggling to get through it right now. I know our behaviour probably isn't exactly what you would have wanted, but I doubt you're surprised.

I was nervous and anxious to get yesterday over with. We had your visitation (isn't that a weird word for it). I was worried I was going to puke in the casket. Or crawl in with you. I was REALLY worried Jess would puke in the casket, especially since her puke is just so free-flowing and cares not where it lands. She actually did better than I did. Well, after our initial meeting and my knees almost giving out, I did ok too.

It was the craziest collection of people. I kept telling everyone that that's how you see the world. That it "takes all kinds". Oh, and all kinds were there. It was actually a little humorous--Nuna's Joker face (yeah, thanks for the heads up on that one!! sheeeesh!). All the rockstars you've ever known--Mike, Lori, Johnny, everyone. Some dude in a Buggs tshirt--which I thought was priceless and totally knew you'd approve. I wanted to high-five that guy for you. Random exgirlfriends--gross, but oh well.

Will was there only for a little while. He looked a little freaked out at first, and then pointed to you and said "Papa, papa"--after that I had to have Jeff get him out of there for me. God he loves you so much. I know he misses you already--he was kissing your pictures.

Nani was busy in her role of "The Matriarch". She has really kept it, and all of us, together. My heart breaks for her, but she's doing what she always does--taking care of you. And all of us.

We went to dinner afterward, and I totally kept thinking about how I was going to text you on my way home because you'd get a kick out of my stories...and then I'd remember. How nuts is that?

I don't know how much you would have approved of the day, but it's hard to try and give everyone what they need--and that I know you would have wanted.

Is this weird that I'm doing this? Sharing our private conversations in a very public forum? I know it's kind of crazy, but I feel like I can't talk to an empty room. I need to feel like I'm telling someone "yeah, my Dad and I were just talking about....". So I hope you don't mind, but I feel like I need to talk to you here...plus, you know how writing keeps me organized.

I promise that it won't be all doom and gloom. :)

I just wanted to tell you that I love you so, so, so much. I miss you more than I can stand right now. People tell me it will get better. I know you know what a strong support system I have and how happy that made you. I hope they're right.

I love you. I'll give your buddy-boy a big kiss for you.
Talk to you soon.
Ok, bye.