Getting Through It...

Dear Dad,

So we're all just struggling to get through it right now. I know our behaviour probably isn't exactly what you would have wanted, but I doubt you're surprised.

I was nervous and anxious to get yesterday over with. We had your visitation (isn't that a weird word for it). I was worried I was going to puke in the casket. Or crawl in with you. I was REALLY worried Jess would puke in the casket, especially since her puke is just so free-flowing and cares not where it lands. She actually did better than I did. Well, after our initial meeting and my knees almost giving out, I did ok too.

It was the craziest collection of people. I kept telling everyone that that's how you see the world. That it "takes all kinds". Oh, and all kinds were there. It was actually a little humorous--Nuna's Joker face (yeah, thanks for the heads up on that one!! sheeeesh!). All the rockstars you've ever known--Mike, Lori, Johnny, everyone. Some dude in a Buggs tshirt--which I thought was priceless and totally knew you'd approve. I wanted to high-five that guy for you. Random exgirlfriends--gross, but oh well.

Will was there only for a little while. He looked a little freaked out at first, and then pointed to you and said "Papa, papa"--after that I had to have Jeff get him out of there for me. God he loves you so much. I know he misses you already--he was kissing your pictures.

Nani was busy in her role of "The Matriarch". She has really kept it, and all of us, together. My heart breaks for her, but she's doing what she always does--taking care of you. And all of us.

We went to dinner afterward, and I totally kept thinking about how I was going to text you on my way home because you'd get a kick out of my stories...and then I'd remember. How nuts is that?

I don't know how much you would have approved of the day, but it's hard to try and give everyone what they need--and that I know you would have wanted.

Is this weird that I'm doing this? Sharing our private conversations in a very public forum? I know it's kind of crazy, but I feel like I can't talk to an empty room. I need to feel like I'm telling someone "yeah, my Dad and I were just talking about....". So I hope you don't mind, but I feel like I need to talk to you here...plus, you know how writing keeps me organized.

I promise that it won't be all doom and gloom. :)

I just wanted to tell you that I love you so, so, so much. I miss you more than I can stand right now. People tell me it will get better. I know you know what a strong support system I have and how happy that made you. I hope they're right.

I love you. I'll give your buddy-boy a big kiss for you.
Talk to you soon.
Ok, bye.