That's what Will wanted to know today. I was looking at pictures (aren't you shocked) and was uploading that one of Jeff and Will that you said you loved so much. I decided to frame it and give it to Jeff for Christmas...just like you said you were going to do. I'll tell him how much you loved it and what a great dad you thought he was....
Anyway, so there I was, flipping through pics on the computer. Will wanted to see too. He kept saying, "More Papa" and "More Gah-kie" (Jackie). I just couldn't stop the tears today. He'd turn and stare at me-"Mama ok? Mama ok?" he'd say. All I could think is how you'd get a kick out of how he was doing that, and how much I just want to FREAKIN call you and tell you, and then I'd cry harder.
People try so hard to offer comfort. I wish I could just tell them not to waste their breath. It's just that NOTHING anyone says or does makes me feel even remotely better. Nothing really does. The closest is when I'm doing something that connect me to you--listening to music, being with your family, talking with your friends. I thought it was weird how good I felt at the Barney Christmas--it was because I was surrounded by people who felt like shit too--and for the same reason.
I keep trying to be ok. I know you want me to be. I know whatever hurt I've ever felt in my life you felt it for me tenfold. The only shoulder I want to cry on is yours. I'll try to be brave, but until I can do that again, I don't know if Mama will ever be totally ok.
Big hugs for little man for you. He misses you. He loves you so much, and so do I. Always.
Ok, ok. bye.
1 comment:
Understanding what you're going through, and sometimes it's best when people just stop talking and start acting. Hugs are the biggest comfort and can say so much without saying anything at all.
If you need a punching bag, I am here for you!
Sometimes you just need someone you can vent to that will listen and not take it personally.
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