What A Ride...

I was trying to be positive today and thinking of all the awesome things you accomplished in your life, and wow, the list was long...

Survived being hit by a semi--while riding your BIKE

Lived a long, healthy live with Type 1 Diabetes

Drove across the country
Rode your bike along the Grand Canyon

Learned to play the drums, guitar and sing without a single lesson

Played in tons of bands

Had your music played on the radio

Went on tour

Played Summerfest for 6 (?) years

Put out multiple cds

Became a (GREAT) Dad

Owned two coffee shops

Owned multiple painting businesses

Ate your way across the Wisconsin State Fair for 45+ consecutive years

Quit smoking for 20 years (so you started up again, big deal)

Played in a church band

Got a zillion tattoos (but not until you were 40)

Wrote for the Shepherd Express

Wrote for Maximum Ink

Taught me to drive stick-shift in one afternoon (without losing your patience)

Looked so young your daughters' highschool friends often mistook you for their boyfriend (gross)

Became close personal friends with 10,000+ Milwaukeeans

Walked me down the aisle at my wedding

Wrote an original song and performed it at my wedding

Met Jessica's future husband and saw them get engaged
Saw the first black president--and loved every second of it

Became an (AWESOME) Grandpa...

Became my best friend...

Obviously, there's so much more. I promise to keep these and more memories of you alive. I love you so much. I know I'll never stop missing you--I just can't wait until there's more joy and remembrance than pain with the memories.

I'll talk to you soon and give that sweet boy a big kiss for you.

Ok? Ok, ok bye.

Mama ok? Mama ok?

That's what Will wanted to know today. I was looking at pictures (aren't you shocked) and was uploading that one of Jeff and Will that you said you loved so much. I decided to frame it and give it to Jeff for Christmas...just like you said you were going to do. I'll tell him how much you loved it and what a great dad you thought he was....

Anyway, so there I was, flipping through pics on the computer. Will wanted to see too. He kept saying, "More Papa" and "More Gah-kie" (Jackie). I just couldn't stop the tears today. He'd turn and stare at me-"Mama ok? Mama ok?" he'd say. All I could think is how you'd get a kick out of how he was doing that, and how much I just want to FREAKIN call you and tell you, and then I'd cry harder.

People try so hard to offer comfort. I wish I could just tell them not to waste their breath. It's just that NOTHING anyone says or does makes me feel even remotely better. Nothing really does. The closest is when I'm doing something that connect me to you--listening to music, being with your family, talking with your friends. I thought it was weird how good I felt at the Barney Christmas--it was because I was surrounded by people who felt like shit too--and for the same reason.

I keep trying to be ok. I know you want me to be. I know whatever hurt I've ever felt in my life you felt it for me tenfold. The only shoulder I want to cry on is yours. I'll try to be brave, but until I can do that again, I don't know if Mama will ever be totally ok.

Big hugs for little man for you. He misses you. He loves you so much, and so do I. Always.

Ok, ok. bye.

In Memory Of...

A little tribute video, with some awesome last songs:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IFuUcqHV4gE

The Bargaining Stage...?

I know you don't want to hear this, but I'm hurting so, so, so freakin' badly right now. I know you could never handle it when I was hurting. I feel like I'm going to lose my mind. Every day is worse than the last--how is that possible? I thought I already lived the worst days of my life.

Every day that I can't talk to you, I want to rip my heart out. I. can't. take. this!

I don't even know who to talk to--I feel like people are thinking I should be getting better, this should be getting easier--but as our last conversation slips farther and farther away, the more I feel like I need to immerse myself in everything that you were. I'm stalking your friends. I've listened to your music practically exclusively. I'm talking about you or TO you at most times of the day. And when I'm not talking about you--like when I'm with those who are probably thinking I should be on the path to healing--all I'm doing is biting my tongue so that I DON'T talk about you.

Tell me what to do Dad--please--please--just tell me and I'll listen.
I love you. This is horrible. Please talk to me.
Ok? Ok, Ok Bye.

A Rockin' Tribute...

I feel like I want to say "I wish you could've been there," but I KNOW that you WERE there. Your presence was totally undeniable.

I couldn't believe the turnout (although I would have preferred it more wall-to-wall) there was just every great person from your past--bandmate and friend. Every set was complete except for your open spot. Which was the most beautiful and saddest thing I've ever seen. When they set up your pink guitar, I lost it. I still can't believe I'll never see you play it again. Guido's was so awesome, I think they actually piped in tracks of you drumming. I hope that you don't mind, I told Johnny that I know you have nothing but love and forgiveness now--I could tell how troubled he was, and I know you'd want him to have some peace.

Justin played with the Bugs (or was it the Buggs? I don't remember). I was so proud of him. I know you were so proud of him.


It was awesome to see Steve, Bruce and Stevie together. I still wish I would have been allowed to come to a Brat Jam.


I had really great talks with EVERYone. I had long talks with Dan and Anita, which brought us all to sobs...I had a great talk with Lori and a few with Mike. I had many great talks with Morgan--I can't believe I've never met her before--I feel like we would have been great friends from the start--I hope we can become great friends.

I decided (at Morgan's awesome prompting) to get behind a mic at the end of the night. Thankfully I let Morgan take the lead...but it was still fun. It was nice to feel like I was part of your world for a minute.

Now that it's over...I don't know what comes next. Everything is done...what will keep us all going and moving forward...?

I hate to admit that I needed to know that all of those people hurting as much as I am, weeks later I need to know that others haven't yet dried their tears. I hope you know how much you're missed. How much you're loved. How we can never, ever forget you.

We love you so much. I love you so, so much. I'll never stop missing you.
I'll give the little man a big kiss for you.
I'll talk to you soon. Ok, ok bye.

Looking Out For Me...?

So it's been...ya know...difficult around here. I've had to put a few people "in their place". And a few have pushed back.

You know I'm having a bit of a...shall we say...home-life "situation". I need you Dad. Now that I don't have you to turn to, I don't know what to do. I don't know who to talk to or what to think. I need you to tell me if I'm crazy or overreacting. Let's be serious, I need YOU to tell me I'm RIGHT.

I feel like I'm constantly searching for signs. Looking for you in everything. I've never had someone watching over me before and I feel like I need to lose myself in it to get through.

I still can't believe how much I'm reaching for my phone to call you or text you. Almost every single time I get in the car. I've never needed to talk to some one I couldn't talk to before, and I feel like I'm tongue-tied.

I need you to find a way to talk back Dad....you've got a direct line, and I promise, I'm listening....

I miss you. I love you. I'll give your little buddy-boy a kiss for you.
Talk to you soon. Ok. Ok, bye.