In Da Moooonnn....

Yesterday I told Will that Jackie was going to come and visit him this weekend. He smiled, nodded and said "Papa too!".  When I told him that you couldn't come, and I asked him if he remembered where you were, he said, "Yeah, mmm hmm, up in da mooonn! Up high! Reach! Reach! Uhh! Uhhh!".

I don't know how I'm going to handle this--seeing him see her--I know he'll be confused, wondering why you're not there.  I think I will be too.

Sometimes I still wonder how this can possibly be real--and when I'll wake up from this nightmare.

I wonder if this level of grief is normal from a daughter to a father.
I miss our talks so much.
I miss wondering how much brain damage I'm getting as the heat from my phone is burning my ear.
I miss your jokes and your laugh--I used to feel so proud of myself if I could make you laugh.
I miss how you'd say, "oh my god, that's hysterical"....
I even miss how you'd describe certain foods as the kind that made you have to poop "like....NOW".

How could we have lost such an original.
Your place in my life, and in my heart is so far beyond replaceable.
I continue to miss you and love you more than ever.
I love you. Ok. Ok, bye.

It Bears Repeating...

I said it before, but I think I need to remind myself...I can feel the days slipping by and not remembering my promises to you. I think I need to do some editing though:

I will try to remember that for you, there was no 2010 on this earth, and will live it for you.

I will try not to not live with anger or hold grudges.
I will try not to be afraid to do new things.
I will try to live my dreams and succeed.
I will cherish the moments, memories, friendships and love.
I will worry less and love more.

Ok there. That's better.

I WILL make you proud. I WILL remember you're watching over me. I WILL live remembering the things you hoped and dreamed for me, for Will, and for yourself.

I miss you more each day.
But I'm getting stronger--I'm trying to learn to redirect the pain into making something positive to make you proud.

I love you. Ok? Ok. Bye.

Ebb and Flow...Pain and Quiet...Rah Rah Wahh...

So I don't cry all day now. I started sleeping at least parts of the night. I can actually make it through a load of dishes or a drive to work without convulsing with sobs. Wow. Does that mean I'm dealing?  I don't know...it doesn't feel like it.

I know that I miss you more and more every day.  I know that my relationships with others are straining because they think I'm doing better, time is passing, I'm healing and I get mad because I know it isn't true. I don't even want to stop missing you more. Only if the alternative is that you're here.  If it remains that you're gone, how can I do anything but miss you more?

I told Jackie tonight that I'm a shell of the person I was 3 months ago.  You were my self confidence. You made me feel like I was something special. Without you as my constant cheerleader, I feel so lost.  I feel...less than ordinary...I feel...like I'm just a mess. And not just because I'm a sad mess...because I don't have the alternative feedback anymore, all I see is the bad.  The unorganized worker, the mom who can't get it together, the extra 30 pounds of post-baby weight. I feel nothing good about myself.

I'm looking ahead to all the things that we shared together, and I don't know how I can face it. How can I go to State Fair--I can't cry through Honey Ice Cream and Bacon on a Stick. How can I go to Summerfest, knowing you're not on the bill?  Nani wanted us to take Will on a train ride--how I can do it without you.

Every day, every action, everything, is accented  in pain.  Some things are all pain, some things are just part pain, but it's there, all day.

I'm so lost. I'm so lonely. I just need a goddamn hug.
I love you so much. Without you, I'm just a shell.
I'll keep hugging Will for you. He misses you. He says "Where'd Papa go?".  And I say "Where'd I tell you Papa is?" He says "Papa up in da moooon!" (insert rocket noise). I can't believe he'll grow up without remembering those hugs.
I love you. Ok. Ok. Bye.