Favortie Pic of the Day

I LOVE this picture. I'm guessing Jackie took it with her slick camera. I can't believe I hadn't seen it before. I don't know if I love or hate that you have the Clay Aiken tshirt on. It cracks me up, but most people don't realize it's a joke. I do love that shirt though because it reminds me of the first time you met Will. You wore it to the NICU, and it wasn't till your way out that I even noticed you had it on. How funny.

Another hard day today--more cleaning out your place. Your clothes smell like you. The other day they smelled a little too much like cigs but somehow your room has aired out and they smell like you. You've got to be kidding us with the inches of dust though Dad! I told Jess that if I'd known the dust was that thick there I would have offered to come by and clean once a month! Oh well.

Miss you. Love you so much.
I'll give your buddy a hug and kiss for you.
Talk soon. Ok, ok bye.

Being Thankfulish

Hi Dad,

I've been trying so hard to remember to be Thankful this weekend. The day was fine--we haven't done a Turkey Day together for awhile, so that part was fine. It was the beginning of the day and the end of the day....the drive to mom's and then home. It was that 5 minutes that I would have called you to wish you a Happy Thanksgiving and you would have told me you'd be enjoying the day just as you liked it--by yourself with your NuWave oven turkey watching football in your underware. Go figure, the Pack pulled one off for you (not that you cared this year--and I haven't checked in on the Vikes).

I think some people are starting to worry about me. I spend my time with other people pretty much talking non-stop about you. I don't quite know how that seems odd to people--I always talk non-stop. Some people think I haven't accepted that you're gone. Maybe they're right. I'm not sure if I'll ever accept it. I'll live with it, but acceptance is probably decades away.

I know I'm having a hard time because I keep wanting to call or text you. I grab for the phone a lot before I remember....weird hey? I already have a few dozen stories I would have told you or questions I wanted to ask. I wanted to tell you about the Christmas presents I got for Will today, and how no one got trampled at Walmart. I wanted to tell you that how I found some Buggs stickers and an old cd (that you claimed you were all out of). I wanted to ask you if Teri got botox. I wanted to tell you that Luke and Jamis came to your funeral--how "duh" is that, that I wanted to tell you who came to your funeral. I wanted to tell you that I met Nuna's dad today, he was really nice and I wanted to ask you what Nuna does for a living (I'm guessing he's not in sales....) :) I wanted to tell you I'm going to get a tattoo, but if you were still here I probably wouldn't be getting it so telling you would be unnecessary

So I'm trying to be Thankful. For all the memories we shared and many years of fun and friendship. For the holidays you did spend with Will. For all the friends and family that are helping me through this--I know you're looking down on us and are grateful for them.

I feel like you've been spending your nights and mornings at Will's bedside...he's been sleeping so well and so LATE! I feel like you must be hushing him back to sleep when he starts flopping around at those ungodly hours and giving his mama a little more rest.

Teri Lynn asked me today if I've had any dreams where we're talking....I told her I haven't but I would love to. I'll be looking for a little afterhours heart-to-heart Dad. I'm listening--ok?

I'll talk to you soon. Time to stop this kid from watching ANOTHER episode of Calliou. Aren't you glad you got to experience that?? :) I love you so much, and missing you as much as ever.

I'll give the little man a big smooch for you.
Love you. Ok. Ok, bye.

Favorite Pic of the Day

Had to throw a bunch of pics together at the last minute for a little slideshow for your memorial service. I'm guessing you'll understand why I'm not my usual "organized" self for a big event. Dana actually found this one on your computer. I'll never understand how you became such a great dad at such a young age....I guess it was just love at first sight huh....? Me too.

I love you so much Dad.

It hurts so much I'm ready to sell my heart on the black market.

I'll give your buddy a kiss for you.

Ok. Ok, bye.

Getting Through It...

Dear Dad,

So we're all just struggling to get through it right now. I know our behaviour probably isn't exactly what you would have wanted, but I doubt you're surprised.

I was nervous and anxious to get yesterday over with. We had your visitation (isn't that a weird word for it). I was worried I was going to puke in the casket. Or crawl in with you. I was REALLY worried Jess would puke in the casket, especially since her puke is just so free-flowing and cares not where it lands. She actually did better than I did. Well, after our initial meeting and my knees almost giving out, I did ok too.

It was the craziest collection of people. I kept telling everyone that that's how you see the world. That it "takes all kinds". Oh, and all kinds were there. It was actually a little humorous--Nuna's Joker face (yeah, thanks for the heads up on that one!! sheeeesh!). All the rockstars you've ever known--Mike, Lori, Johnny, everyone. Some dude in a Buggs tshirt--which I thought was priceless and totally knew you'd approve. I wanted to high-five that guy for you. Random exgirlfriends--gross, but oh well.

Will was there only for a little while. He looked a little freaked out at first, and then pointed to you and said "Papa, papa"--after that I had to have Jeff get him out of there for me. God he loves you so much. I know he misses you already--he was kissing your pictures.

Nani was busy in her role of "The Matriarch". She has really kept it, and all of us, together. My heart breaks for her, but she's doing what she always does--taking care of you. And all of us.

We went to dinner afterward, and I totally kept thinking about how I was going to text you on my way home because you'd get a kick out of my stories...and then I'd remember. How nuts is that?

I don't know how much you would have approved of the day, but it's hard to try and give everyone what they need--and that I know you would have wanted.

Is this weird that I'm doing this? Sharing our private conversations in a very public forum? I know it's kind of crazy, but I feel like I can't talk to an empty room. I need to feel like I'm telling someone "yeah, my Dad and I were just talking about....". So I hope you don't mind, but I feel like I need to talk to you here...plus, you know how writing keeps me organized.

I promise that it won't be all doom and gloom. :)

I just wanted to tell you that I love you so, so, so much. I miss you more than I can stand right now. People tell me it will get better. I know you know what a strong support system I have and how happy that made you. I hope they're right.

I love you. I'll give your buddy-boy a big kiss for you.
Talk to you soon.
Ok, bye.