It Bears Repeating...

I said it before, but I think I need to remind myself...I can feel the days slipping by and not remembering my promises to you. I think I need to do some editing though:

I will try to remember that for you, there was no 2010 on this earth, and will live it for you.

I will try not to not live with anger or hold grudges.
I will try not to be afraid to do new things.
I will try to live my dreams and succeed.
I will cherish the moments, memories, friendships and love.
I will worry less and love more.

Ok there. That's better.

I WILL make you proud. I WILL remember you're watching over me. I WILL live remembering the things you hoped and dreamed for me, for Will, and for yourself.

I miss you more each day.
But I'm getting stronger--I'm trying to learn to redirect the pain into making something positive to make you proud.

I love you. Ok? Ok. Bye.

Ebb and Flow...Pain and Quiet...Rah Rah Wahh...

So I don't cry all day now. I started sleeping at least parts of the night. I can actually make it through a load of dishes or a drive to work without convulsing with sobs. Wow. Does that mean I'm dealing?  I don't know...it doesn't feel like it.

I know that I miss you more and more every day.  I know that my relationships with others are straining because they think I'm doing better, time is passing, I'm healing and I get mad because I know it isn't true. I don't even want to stop missing you more. Only if the alternative is that you're here.  If it remains that you're gone, how can I do anything but miss you more?

I told Jackie tonight that I'm a shell of the person I was 3 months ago.  You were my self confidence. You made me feel like I was something special. Without you as my constant cheerleader, I feel so lost.  I feel...less than ordinary...I feel...like I'm just a mess. And not just because I'm a sad mess...because I don't have the alternative feedback anymore, all I see is the bad.  The unorganized worker, the mom who can't get it together, the extra 30 pounds of post-baby weight. I feel nothing good about myself.

I'm looking ahead to all the things that we shared together, and I don't know how I can face it. How can I go to State Fair--I can't cry through Honey Ice Cream and Bacon on a Stick. How can I go to Summerfest, knowing you're not on the bill?  Nani wanted us to take Will on a train ride--how I can do it without you.

Every day, every action, everything, is accented  in pain.  Some things are all pain, some things are just part pain, but it's there, all day.

I'm so lost. I'm so lonely. I just need a goddamn hug.
I love you so much. Without you, I'm just a shell.
I'll keep hugging Will for you. He misses you. He says "Where'd Papa go?".  And I say "Where'd I tell you Papa is?" He says "Papa up in da moooon!" (insert rocket noise). I can't believe he'll grow up without remembering those hugs.
I love you. Ok. Ok. Bye.

It just never ends...

This pain--this horrible f-ing pain....
It goes away when I'm busy or distracted--rather, I should say it's hidden.  Then it jumps out of the bushes like a freakin' attacker the moment my mind is quiet.  I hate doing the dishes, driving in the car (especially alone), laying awake in bed.  There is NO relaxing time for me. If I don't stay VERY busy, my mind drifts to you and it hurts more than I think I can take anymore....

I stay so busy it's like I'm on f-ing speed.  Seriously, listen to all I got accomplished on Thursday--I went to work, ran some errands on the way home, got home and cleaned the downstairs, put together a diaper cake, sewed 2 crayon rolls and made a tutu, made a FUCKING lasagna, had the neighbor over for dinner, gave Will a bath and then updated my FB page AND my blogs with craft pics.  When I was later telling somone about my busy night, then of course I thought of you and how I wanted to tell you about my busy night.  The only reason I had the busy night was to distract me from the horrible pain of missing YOU in the first place!! AHHH!! Seriously--what I am going to do.

Oh, and if that doesn't sound busy enough, I'm still trying to roll with Pampered Chef, and now I'm really getting started selling my crafty stuff, oh, and Morgan said Dan would teach me to play the guitar (which my  first session will probably be learning to hold the pink bitch without sobbing uncontrollably, right?).

It's so difficult because all the things I do are all the things I loved to tell you about and you'd pump up my ego by being so proud. Without your support I feel so empty with everything....like, it doesn't matter who even notices, because your pride is always what drove me...

Even with Will--we had our NICU follow up, and his cognitive and language skills are at at 3 year old level!! I can't think of anyone who would love to hear that more than you.  Even mom--I mean, she's of course proud and excited, but I'd probably have to stop you from taking out a billboard or something.

Here's the thing---I keep feeling like there will come a time when this pain ends...but I am delerious and I think I feel like it's because we'll be able to talk again---like I'm waiting for you to return from a long trip or something....and then I take a minute and wrap my head around the fact that that could be 50 years from now that we'll talk again, and I want to puke all over myself...

I know this all is all selfish...every now and again I stop and think about how this is so much better for you. With the exception of being away from us who you loved so much, I know no there's no struggling, and  no worrying.  There's no anger or stress. There's no pain or exhaustion.  Every once in awhile I feel excited for you--like yesterday, I thought, wow, you're spending Elvis' birthday WITH Elvis (well, maybe, if he's up there :)).  I think, you and Neil probably started a band--and because you can, John Lennon and Jimi Hendrix are your back up singers....I know it seems silly and weird, but it's that kind of crazy shit that helps me.

I thought of something else today--if Will, our amazing little miracle, had been born on time, you would not have been at his 2nd birthday party, and that gives me some hope that everything really does happen for a reason.  I'm not sure what the reason is that you've been taken from me--I hope I don't have to the live the rest of my life wondering what it is...but I have to believe there is one.

Ok, I can hardly see straight right now, so it's time to pound some coffee and start distracting myself.
I love you so much. I miss you more than I can stand.
I'll talk to you soon, and give Will a huge hug and kiss for you today.
Ok? Ok, ok bye.

New Year, New Promises

I want to start the new year with a new promise to you, Dad. I can't believe I'm going to start a new year and new decade without you...it still just hasn't sunk in I don't think...but anyway, I want to promise to you that I will try hard to live this year to the fullest. I will try to remember that for you, there was no 2010 on this earth, and will live it for you.

I will try not to live with anger or hold grudges.
I will try not to be afraid to do new things.
I will try to live my dreams and succeed.
I will cherish the moments, memories, friendships and love.
I will worry less and love more.

I'll continue to make promises to you--and tell you about my progress in keeping them. ;)

I love you so much--each day it even seems more.
We all miss you so much, but we know you're with us every day. (I'm saying a little prayer that you'll be with Dana on their trip to Nashville!!)

I promise to give Will and big hug and kiss for you every single day.
Talk soon. Ok, ok bye.

What A Ride...

I was trying to be positive today and thinking of all the awesome things you accomplished in your life, and wow, the list was long...

Survived being hit by a semi--while riding your BIKE

Lived a long, healthy live with Type 1 Diabetes

Drove across the country
Rode your bike along the Grand Canyon

Learned to play the drums, guitar and sing without a single lesson

Played in tons of bands

Had your music played on the radio

Went on tour

Played Summerfest for 6 (?) years

Put out multiple cds

Became a (GREAT) Dad

Owned two coffee shops

Owned multiple painting businesses

Ate your way across the Wisconsin State Fair for 45+ consecutive years

Quit smoking for 20 years (so you started up again, big deal)

Played in a church band

Got a zillion tattoos (but not until you were 40)

Wrote for the Shepherd Express

Wrote for Maximum Ink

Taught me to drive stick-shift in one afternoon (without losing your patience)

Looked so young your daughters' highschool friends often mistook you for their boyfriend (gross)

Became close personal friends with 10,000+ Milwaukeeans

Walked me down the aisle at my wedding

Wrote an original song and performed it at my wedding

Met Jessica's future husband and saw them get engaged
Saw the first black president--and loved every second of it

Became an (AWESOME) Grandpa...

Became my best friend...

Obviously, there's so much more. I promise to keep these and more memories of you alive. I love you so much. I know I'll never stop missing you--I just can't wait until there's more joy and remembrance than pain with the memories.

I'll talk to you soon and give that sweet boy a big kiss for you.

Ok? Ok, ok bye.

Mama ok? Mama ok?

That's what Will wanted to know today. I was looking at pictures (aren't you shocked) and was uploading that one of Jeff and Will that you said you loved so much. I decided to frame it and give it to Jeff for Christmas...just like you said you were going to do. I'll tell him how much you loved it and what a great dad you thought he was....

Anyway, so there I was, flipping through pics on the computer. Will wanted to see too. He kept saying, "More Papa" and "More Gah-kie" (Jackie). I just couldn't stop the tears today. He'd turn and stare at me-"Mama ok? Mama ok?" he'd say. All I could think is how you'd get a kick out of how he was doing that, and how much I just want to FREAKIN call you and tell you, and then I'd cry harder.

People try so hard to offer comfort. I wish I could just tell them not to waste their breath. It's just that NOTHING anyone says or does makes me feel even remotely better. Nothing really does. The closest is when I'm doing something that connect me to you--listening to music, being with your family, talking with your friends. I thought it was weird how good I felt at the Barney Christmas--it was because I was surrounded by people who felt like shit too--and for the same reason.

I keep trying to be ok. I know you want me to be. I know whatever hurt I've ever felt in my life you felt it for me tenfold. The only shoulder I want to cry on is yours. I'll try to be brave, but until I can do that again, I don't know if Mama will ever be totally ok.

Big hugs for little man for you. He misses you. He loves you so much, and so do I. Always.

Ok, ok. bye.

In Memory Of...

A little tribute video, with some awesome last songs:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IFuUcqHV4gE